I read an article this morning "In praise of women who are high maintenance of proud of it" in which the author uses life experience and pop culture examples to explain what is meant when a woman is called high-maintenance. It's almost always thrown as an insult, at a woman who takes too long getting ready, who is too demanding in public, or feels uncomfortable in traditionally male social situations. The low-maintenance girl wears jeans and a t-shirt, drinks beer, and watches the game with the guys (while keeping her sports opinions to herself, of course).
There's a line in the piece which inspired me to write my own reaction piece. "If a woman does anything to distinguish herself from the fold — whether that means wearing lipstick or voicing strong opinions — it makes her difficult or prissy. It means she becomes harder to "maintain." The mere state of womanhood is considered an affect, a glamour on top of the default of maleness."
The maintenance comparison is to vehicles, which fits right in with men always referring to vehicles with female pronouns. The low maintenance woman is effortlessly beautiful (which, is an oxymoron if I ever saw one) requiring minimal effort on behalf of the owner (cause let's be real) but easy to show off to friends.
I have personal reactions to all elements of that statement that I hope to unpack here. As a transgender woman, the idea that womanhood is a glamour on top of default maleness set off several bells. That's certainly a charge that's been levied against trans-women, especially in pop culture. The trans-woman is the honeypot out to trick straight men into sleeping with what are essentially men wearing a glamour.
Recently I went to a new primary doctor for the first time, after ten years of only going to LGBT specialty clinics. I was honest about my sex reassignment surgery, about my hormone regimen. I was hoping to transition from specialty clinics to a normal doc like everyone else. After going through the full physical, which included putting on gloves and poking around downstairs, he told me I seemed like a well adjusted young man. He corrected himself to woman and apologized, but the damage to my psyche was done.
When people meet me and discover I'm trans and wish to broach the subject, it's always dressed with 'you look great' or 'I couldn't even tell'. I mention this as setup for the fact that I've consciously aimed for being a low-maintenance woman since pretty much the beginning of my transition.
I first went to change my name and go full time as a woman a year and a half into hormone therapy, living in vegetarian themed co-op student housing. I came out to my house of sixty some people, and then soon after I changed my name in my student records and started attending classes as myself. There was a conscious decision to gravitate toward skirts and makeup, to really assert the change.
A few months into going full time a housemate made the comment that I'd been wearing a lot of makeup lately, which another housemate softened with saying they knew I was just finding myself. The message was clear, and all the blue eye-shadow and blush went in the trash. I was coming across as too high-maintenance.
I wasn't surprised that googling Caitlyn Jenner high maintenance yielded a result, as every other word out of her mouth is something about makeup or nail polish or fashion. It definitely depends on your peer group, but I had the low-maintenance creed affirmed later when I had a long term relationship with a man.
We were in the subway headed out, and I saw a young trans-woman I had mentored at Cal headed down. I pointed her out, and his comment was "I can barely see her face under all that makeup". I tried to deflect and point out that its a personal choice and it's what makes her feel comfortable going out in public, but my choices were reaffirmed.
The irony is that looking like you're not wearing makeup takes a bunch of makeup. I was at Disneyland once and overheard a young woman saying "he told me I look so much better without makeup, and I was like 'if you only knew how much makeup I'm wearing right now'". For me, a 'no makeup' look involves covering my entire face in foundation, either eyeliner or mascara, and a lip tint or gloss.
That's a solid five minutes of makeup application to look like I'm not wearing any. Every once in a while I'll have a woman tell me "wow, your face is so smooth". Hormone therapy, deep face washes, careful makeup application. Or, y'know, effortless.
For me, low-maintenance is a constructed bubble where I feel freest to relax. I wasn't going to stop liking sports just cause I transitioned, or video games, or beer. On that same token, it was easier for my family to be around me in girls jeans and a t-shirt than in a dress.
There's something I'm trying to wrestle in my head here. There's the association with low-maintenance lifestyle and maleness which doesn't entirely ring true. The language of being chill and down to earth is very much male gendered. From the original article's "guy with long hair" to the ever popular "one of the guys". However, within that acceptance of women in male social situations, there's still a lot of distrust of women's opinions.
A cursory search of google for sexism in sports journalism turns up plenty of results. Here's one just as a jumping off point. If a female sports reporter is too critical, she's told to get back into the kitchen. If she appears to try too hard on her appearance, then it's assumed she doesn't know anything about the sport she's covering. The female sports reporter is expected to be reasonably attractive while minimally informative.
I make mental notes when a sideline reporter shares actually insightful information, only to have the booth essentially ignore what she had to say for their own conversation. There are any number of sports chat shows where the female host is there only to introduce topics, while an all male panel discusses the issues of the day.
Women like Katie Nolan, who have earned a space to share their opinion, have to deal with articles from their own company about landing a husband at sporting events. Even that article Nolan called out is still dealing with the dichotomy created by high-maintenance/low-maintenance. Can you still be a high-maintenance girl while enjoying things boys like? Yes, and it could result in getting a husband!
Ultimately, and especially as a trans-woman, the gendered terms used to describe social spaces are meaningless. A guy with long hair is a guy with long hair. There are plenty of them riding surfboards shirtless in Venice, a girl is more than long hair. No girl is just one of the guys if she isn't allowed to point out when a sports team isn't performing well.
My personal journey has been in finding the value in both high-maintenance and low-maintenance lifestyles. It's liking sports and not being afraid to wear a little pink dress. It's natural looking makeup and not being afraid to speak up when a server gets your order wrong. It's why women look up to characters like Peggy Olsen, who show these are not binary choices but rather window dressing on the things that really matter.
Finding that truth is how my internal drive to be female finally met a fleshed out version of an adult woman. It's a journey I feel every woman has to go through while coming up through a society where male is default. Where women are described through male gaze terms like low-maintenance and high-maintenance.
A society ultimately where you have to deconstruct years of narrative to find a place to just be. Good times, for a change.
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